Intrusions & Swarms

My apologies for the long silence. The following is an email series sent over the holidays from my flatmates to another flatmate, who was in the U.S. visiting her family for several weeks. It will give you a little insight into how the last two months have gone, and into the cleverness of my flatmates. I must apologize: 1) to all of those who love insects and do not approve of the treatment described below, and 2) to all those in the military for the completely inaccurate use of all terminology...All the red printing was added for clarification sake:

"Dear N.,

Our battle against pesticism continues. This evening, we have waged war on two fronts. One, the proliferation of cockroaches in The Penthouse [We do not live in a penthouse apartment, this is just our nickname for our home, which is explained or, at least, will be in another post] and two, the proliferation of termites in The Penthouse. A mommy and daddy cockroach had a "special" hug. As a result of that hug, vast numbers of mummies (thanks A.) [A. is our flatmate from New Zealand] and daddies have intruded on our kitchen. Over a series of evenings, Colonel B. has conducted a series of offensives against the mummies and daddies. The mummies and daddies were resilient and have continued to spawn making their defeat much more difficult. After acting on intel from Brigadier Chicken [A nickname for a local friend-I couldn't tell you the origin], heavy artillery was acquired. Tonight, we deployed our WMD's upon the enemy and the body count is seriously rising.

Alas, the same evening, yet another enemy approached and struck from the south*. A swarm of termites using guerrilla warfare tactics, have infiltrated outposts on all levels and sides of the region**. The Kurta and Sari people [not really people, no worries! These are my clothes and other belongings] were in desperate need of rescue. After a quick and thorough evacuation by Sargent Shoebox [Shoebox is a nickname for our Kiwi roommate] and her troops, the area was secured and the people relocated. Sargent Shoebox returned to the area and successfully dropped yet another WMD to secure the area.

We are currently waiting in a secure location*** for the area to clear of toxic fumes. Our fear is that the guerrillas have gained strongholds that we are incapable of identifying and extinguishing on our own. Only Superman can save us now.

And here ends another day in the trenches. Send our love to ma and pa and dear sweet Peggy Sue and Bobby Jo. We miss you all and are continuing the fight for freedom. Freedom from pesticism of the intrusive and swarming nature.

*the western closet of K. and C.'s room
**the entire closet area
***B.'s room
_____________


Blast! Superman to the rescue?! Have you tried offering sips of the "milk" to the cockroaches? It is under the sink if you decide to get into the mass-poisoning business.

Fight the good fight. Finish the race. Go for the gold. Come away with the W.

Wish I was there?

N.

______________

N.,

Alas, we returned to the front lines this evening with high hopes that the pesticism would be over. Despite significant damage to their troop base, the cockroaches are still a present force and engaging in hugs non stop. The Penthouse Platoon however, has full confidence that we will win on that front.

The more difficult battle lies with the termites. Despite the WMD dropped last night, they are still alive - however less out in the open, hiding in their bunkers [drawers I didn't even know I had!]. The Platoon has not tried the "milk" as we fear losing fingerprints or fingers and we'd rather not damage our nervous systems by being in close proximity to the lethal agent orange. We considered it but given the fact that we don't know how much power it contains - administering it incorrectly could be dangerous.

Colonel B. called Superman this evening and he readily agreed to send reinforcements into the war zone with the serum in the afternoon. He was agreeable and I think due to Corporal H.'s amazing peace talks at their last meeting [in the negotiations over our washing machine], there were no complaints or arguments. We will await his reinforcements.

Thanks for your support back home, we couldn't do it without you. We miss you N.

The Penthouse Platoon"


Happy (belated) Holidays!!!